I'm turning 23 soon. Perhaps I'll be 23 by the time you read this, I'm not sure.
I've learned a lot, I've learned a lot especially this past year and I...damn.
It's hard to find the right words here.
I think my understanding of womanhood has developed more than I could have imagined. I've got a firm grasp on how I am perceived as an individual to other individuals, and I feel like I'm so often treated like a pushover. People shove their responsibilities onto me because I'll "get over it" or I'll "just have to deal with it," and you know what, I'm tired.
I'm tired of putting other people before myself, I'm tired of giving my energy and my generosity. I feel like I'm a piggy bank, my paycheck goes right to the bills, responsibilities get left behind for me to tidy up, and my mental health declines because of it. Lovers don't want to imagine a future with me, so it all gets called to quit. All of my coins are used up and spent by other people, my expense, I guess.
I feel like I have been placed under a faucet, my clothes weighing me down as the sink begins to fill. I remove myself, my mind at least, disassociation at its finest as I check out and go numb for a while.
Meanwhile, I feel like the male figures in my life get to go and do whatever they want, they don't have to deal with it all. I realize that I'm treated like I'm less of a person, at least I surely feel that way. Not just by those around me, but by society, which I often blame as a factor into everyone else's moods.
I find that it's harder for me to land big paying jobs, it's harder for me to get accepted into the schools I want, and I wonder if it's because I'm inadequate, or if it's because I'm a woman. I've witnessed first hand how women are treated in this reality, and I'm just trying to keep my head above the water, to rise above this circumstance.
I'm tired of women competing with each other and fighting each other. I'm tired of men tossing us aside and acting like we're nothing.
I'm...everything.
I claim my power back. Now. I will not show remorse or apologize for the new me walking around like I know everything because let me make this clear. I know what it's like to have nothing, so in turn, all that's left for me is fucking everything.
I wish I was more cold-hearted sometimes, but I know, that I will continue allowing my heart to break open because if I become cold, I'll just be like the rest of them, and society will in turn have transformed my soul into mere wires and strings, and I do not want to become someone who is just going through the motions.
I am a woman, and I will not give up.
