Keep Us Connected

While the life of a writer can often be solitary, we must find moments to keep us connected. Throughout my journey, I have had the opportunity to be part of different writing communities, but the most recent is among a group of four other authors. 

During the uncertainty of the last few years, this group has been a refuge and a way to stay tethered despite isolation, countless revisions, and the oddly cathartic pressure of completing a post-pandemic story while living in a pandemic. 

For any writers who may not know the benefits of a writing group, I am excited to share my latest remote meeting. I will be reading from Chapter Three of my YA speculative novel, DREAM CATCHERS. Afterward, my fantastic group of fellow authors will be sharing their feedback. 

Once the meeting adjourns, what happens next? I take my feedback and add it to the applicable chapter card on my book’s Trello board. I like to include the date and then break down the feedback by the author who gave it to me. That way, if I have any questions in the future during the revision and editing process, I can go back for clarifications. 

For myself, organizing the writing process from brainstorming to drafting to developmental edits, line edits, beta reads, and more works best on Trello.

For those wondering how to find a writing group, how to know when that group is the right fit, and the pros and cons of getting consistent feedback and readership while you focus on a work-in-progress, rest assured I will be diving into this in the future!

Don’t forget to like and subscribe. And remember, no matter where the day takes you, dream big!

How We Improve

For those of us for whom words mean everything, we understand how much growth, belief, and trust it takes to put forth our best writing into the world. In order to tackle such mammoth feats, we require people to help us see what’s working now, and what can be made better. 

I know I am someone who stubbornly clung to the notion that this writer’s journey is one that needed to be traversed alone. This is something reasoned within myself for too long. However, since my time in the MFA, I’ve been reminded time and again of the good that can come from feedback. 

Though it’s been some many years since I graduated from the Mountainview MFA, I now have the most amazing network of support from family and friends both near and far and fellow writers willing to put in the same amount of hard work day after day.

For the most part, the feedback I’ve received has been immeasurably beneficial, whether I make the suggestions into tangible changes or not. And in the time between studying writing before graduate school and now, I have also learned how to parse through feedback to ensure I’m not losing sight of my vision or voice. 

All of this to say, I’ve become accustomed to receiving feedback and utilizing those comments and questions to better my work-in-progress. However, quite recently, I found myself feeling small. This is a rarity, one I’m rather proud to say hasn’t happened since my second semester of grad school.

But this month during a meet-up of writers, I found myself and my story and my knowledge insignificant. While this didn’t last much longer than an afternoon, I found it concerning. I struggled through the memory of the day on my drive home, and discovered why I felt as such. I’ve spent the following weeks working through this sense of alienation within myself.

During this meet-up, I brought Chapter 24 from my work-in-progress. It was a short chapter, one I had sectioned off from the chapter that followed to allow for the scene to breathe. It was filled with small character moments, but ones that were necessary. I read the chapter aloud while the other writers followed along. I knew almost immediately that I would have differing opinions with two of the writers at the table, however, I was not prepared for the misogyny, and did find myself startled at the amount of mansplaining that came from someone not writing or reading in my genre. 

I suppose throughout the other writerly meet-ups I’ve attended in the area, I forgot how precarious a position it can be as a woman in her twenties surrounded by older men who assume they know more. It’s rare that I play the MFA card, as I know it is something that generates further conflict.

Thinking back, I could’ve said so many things, made use of my experience and credentials. In that moment, however, I found myself forgetting my strength, my voice; my ferocity as a female writer. 

For the duration of my critique time, I listened to two men explain to me why, as someone seeking traditional publication, I needed to pay for editing services, though they couldn’t find any concrete examples of something being wrong with the chapter. And while there were other points made more specific to that chapter and my novel as a whole, it was this that infuriated me most of all. 

I have done my research. I have queried before, and when the time is right, I will query again. I’ve had work published in the past and there will be more to come in the future. But somehow I found myself quiet. I didn’t argue. I just let them explain why they were right. And for the rest of the meet-up when one such man used a television series to justify head-hopping without understanding the difference between a limited point-of-view and omniscient narration, I felt like my knowledge wasn’t worth sharing. 

By the end of the writing group, I left defeated. And as I went over the details, later sharing with trusted allies, I found myself angry that I let myself shrink in that situation. The last time such a thing happened, I remember clinging to the feedback. The best friend told me to leave the pages behind. And I did then. I knew that was what I needed to do again. 

So that’s what I did. 

I waited to pen this post until I had some time away. I can assure you, I’ve once again found my strength. 

Now, you might be wondering what the point of critique is in situations like this. As writers, feedback helps us improve. I have had countless experiences where a question will help me unlock the secret to a messy chapter, where a reassurance will help me remember why I love still love this story after almost six years. But what’s more, I was reminded why I’ve curated a group of people to join me on this writer’s journey. This isn’t to say these people only offer praise and goodness. The reason why I appreciate my people so much is for their honesty, their instincts, their belief in both me as a writer and this story. 

We all need those people to help us see where we can be better. 

This is the lesson I take with me as I continue to work through the developmental edits for the work-in-progress and as I endeavor to provide feedback for other writers. I do not wish to make them feel small, but to help them see their strength, their promise, and the importance of their words. I think this same thing applies outside of writing. In a world filled with messes and mistakes and melancholy, we all need people to help us improve. 

Overcoming Perfection

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with perfectionism. Too many people might say this isn’t a true difficulty at all. I suspect those are the same people who are free to move from one task to the next without paying any mind to the most intricate, and possibly inconsequential, details. Such is the burden of perfection.

Amidst this latest round of edits, I have made a conscious effort to to strive for progress, rather than perfection. All the while, I’ve kept sight of May 31st; the day I will embark back into the query trenches. This solid goal has been my beacon through it all, and it looks like it is one I will accomplish. That’s not to say it’s been easy, but worthy endeavors rarely are.

Back before the MFA, and even in my third semester of graduate school, I hated editing. I always preferred the thrill of a new idea, a blank page, drafting something into completeness. But now, I think I prefer the editing process. I like the toil and the immense satisfaction that comes from taking my own words and polishing them into something better.

It's taken me time to get here. There is a sense of madness in thinking back to those early days almost 5 years ago. But I wouldn’t change any of the challenges along this journey, because it really has been a battle to get this book to where it is today; almost ready to head back into the query trenches.

There has been goodness along the way, too. There have been friends who’ve fallen in love with my fictional world, and who continue to champion Camryn and her story from near and far away. And most recently, I had the opportunity to talk with a real life agent about the first page of DREAM CATCHERS on the Manuscript Academy Podcast!

So how was I chosen to take part in this conversation?

In November 2018, I sent the first page of the manuscript to the brilliant women at The Manuscript Academy. In April 2019, I received an email wondering if I would be willing to try something new. Up until this point, the First Pages Podcast series focused on the first page of a novel being discussed for 10 minutes without the author. Though there was one episode where they later spoke with the author of said page to see how the critique might’ve helped.

For my episode, I got to chat with Danielle Chiotti in real time, just like the consultations offered on the Manuscript Academy website. And to keep the discussion as authentic as possible, the final version only cut out some of the more extemporaneous pauses, keeping the integrity of those 10 minutes.

Leading up to the recording of the podcast, I will admit I was somewhat nervous. I knew other writers might listen to this in just the same voracious manner that I experienced the other podcast episodes. But there was also the sense of knowing that I would be speaking to an industry professional, accompanied by the small fear that I would have nothing intelligent to add to our conversation.

As soon as I got on the call, however, Danielle put any worry at ease with her kind words and bright spirit. If Lorelai Gilmore was a literary agent, she would be Danielle Chiotti. Throughout our conversation, she offered some crucial feedback that has helped immensely in this last round of edits. I even got to ask a few questions at the end that have made this first page everything it needed to be. Not only did I receive real feedback, but I was also left with the hope that someone believed in this story enough to pick the first page out of the pile. Along the way, it felt like unlocking the greater potential held within this novel and my writing. And now this final draft is almost ready to send out into the agenting world in the hopes I find not only representation, but a champion for my writing career.

Now that my podcast episode has officially made its way into the world, I’ve been working on completing my plan for this latest round of edits using my Archer & Olive Daily Planner to keep everything organized. There was an extra week of blank spaces this month, and I knew I needed to put them to good use. They’ve certainly served as a reminder to keep striving for progress.

1.) Plot and Outline

For this first part of the process, I took all the notes made in the bound copy of my manuscript and added them as comments into my Scrivener document. I also added my notes from my editing spreadsheet into the Document Notes section in Scrivener. The final piece of part one was similar to how I organize my writing in the Scrivener Binder. However, instead of using those index cards, I used real ones in various colors to plot out the story. While, yes, this book was complete, and yes, it did have a finished plot outline, I knew there were some parts that could be improved. For my color coding system I used 6 colors. Yellow became scenes including character moments with family and friends. Green became discovery and forward action in the story. Purple became mythology, while pink cards were for romantic relationships. Blue became dreams and the reaming white cards were used for any new scenes that needed to be added. From there, I wrote scene by scene, laid them out in their current order, and then reshuffled until I had the best version of this story.

2.) Write New Scenes

This part of the revisions has certainly been interesting. It’s been quite some time since I’ve drafted new material for this book. However, filling in troublesome scenes mentioned by BETA readers and doing the most with the characters I already have, has been such a joy. Maybe it’s because I thrive on the challenge of creating cohesion from chaos, but either way, this portion of the process is almost complete.

3.) Line Edits

After the new material is complete, I will be going through sentence by sentence, chapter by chapter, to clean up the writing, both past and present. This might be my favorite part of the editing process, while it can be rather tedious. There is something about moving sentences to create a varied structure or finding the best word to really unlock the meaning of a sentence that is so rewarding.

4.) Read + Read + Read + Read

Long ago, I learned the importance of reading my own work aloud, especially during the editing process. However, this time, instead of just reading it through to myself, I will be recording myself on Voice Memos, chapter by chapter, and listening back as an audiobook to ensure proper pacing and to get a better idea of how the story is working as a whole. I’m looking forward to this, because I think this will give a good indication of how this story is progressing.

5.) Literary Agents

While this part of the process is already half done, there is still a little bit of work to finish. Since I began the query process, I have had the agents I wanted to send my work to sorted into groups to assist with easier batches. I have the research for those agents already saved in a miscellaneous file. But, it’s been quite some time since I’ve updated the list. And in that time, there have been new agents entering into the literary world, recent additions to #MSWL YA on Twitter, and a better understanding of what I am looking for in an agent. All of that combined means I’ll need to do a bit more research before I begin the next round of queries. Along with organizing agent info in Scrivener, as previously discussed in a past post, I will also be organizing my “Agent Questions” document I have for hope that when I get “the call” from an agent, I will have everything I need.

6.) Query Materials

Once the edits are done, I will need to proofread the query (AGAIN) and update my synopsis. Next will be looking at my agent list to ensure I’m following their specific submission guidelines and that all materials are handled properly and included for QUERY DAY!

7.) Finish Line

I’m also calling this QUERY DAY, knowing that May 31st is quickly approaching. I will send out my query and materials to the agents and will then update my spreadsheet and information in Scrivener, possibly update Query Tracker, though I haven’t been as impressed with its capabilities in conjunction with my own tracking method. And then, dear reader, I will wait.

Until then, I know there might be a few more difficult days, maybe some where the writing and revision and editing all seems unmanageable. However, knowing that I'm not going in to make DREAM CATCHERS perfect, but rather, the best story it can be, will continue to help me make this dream of publication a reality.

Sure there has been rejection along the way, and this book has not always been easy to write. Too often, as writers, we find ourselves on the page without even trying, and that makes writing the hard scenes even more difficult. But it also makes them more rewarding. I love Camryn, and I believe her story is one that deserves to be told. At the end of the day, I think that's the best we get as writers. We break ourselves a little each time we put words on the page, but I've found that edits heal me a little bit, too. 

Whether you’re a writer in the midst of edits and queries or just someone with their own set of struggles, I hope you, too, will take comfort in knowing that progress beats perfection any day.

Only So Many Hours

Lately, Billy Joel’s “Vienna” has been the song that gets me through. It all feels a little too true. Specifically the line “You got so much to do any only so many hours in the day.” Because there really is more to do than hours each day, and still, I try to accomplish what I can. This is probably why the latest round of edits on DREAM CATCHERS is taking much longer than anticipated. But it’s also that I want to do right by these characters and story before heading back into the query trenches.

With the updated query letter and recent epiphanies, it feels like representation is on the horizon. After five years working on this novel, it feels like the perfect time to fix what’s broken, kill some darlings, and send a better version of this story than I previously knew existed within my mind.

To go about this round of edits, it took too many hours, endless patience, and a bit of preparation. And in doing so, I realized I could not do any of this without updating the Series Bible for the Dreamer Duology. There were still too many questions that needed answers, too many character motivations that needed to be fulfilled. Such is the life of a writer, even one stuck in the same world for too many years.

So how did I manage?

With limited hours most days, I knew I would need to have tangible evidence of what required fixing. So began my read through in the printed proof version of the manuscript that I had bound by Createspace. There’s something about seeing words outside of a computer screen that suddenly brings about all the glaring errors that were previously missed. I took an orange highlighter to lines and sections I loved, yellow to ones that needed more work. And once I’d finished the entire book, had some new ideas, talked them through with my fabulous critique partner, I made a spreadsheet.

Maybe for some writers out there this seems a bit like overkill since the line edits were already in the manuscript. But since so many things had come up, I needed a better way to organize, to see trends in the edits, and to come up with solutions before actually diving back into the manuscript. The spreadsheet created on Google Sheets breaks the edits down by: Part, Chapter, Story Element, What to Change, How To, and Progress. As I move along through these edits, it’s nice to see how much I’ve completed.

Now you might recall me mentioning preparation and the term “Series Bible” earlier in this post. Before I started the act of editing, I set my spreadsheet aside, and started updating my research and notes in Scrivener. Being the same Type-A person I’ve always been, I could not imagine using anything other than Scrivener for my writing. While I use it for my poetry as well, it is absolutely necessary in the drafting and editing of a novel, especially since DREAM CATCHERS and future projects are not standalone works, but part of a larger series as a whole. The Dreamer Duology might only be two books, but there is too much I need to remember in crafting these worlds.

While the previous Series Bible was broken down by Characters, Places, and aptly named: Other, I have gotten even more specific in my updates. And while many might see this as an act of procrastination or even redundant, I knew I needed to have all the answers so as not to stumble my way through this new draft in the way I did when I first conceptualized the story in the MFA. Too much has changed between then and now. And I wouldn’t have the time to be aimless.

So how did I create this Series Bible?

For those unfamiliar with Scrivener, I think the endless possibilities and options for customization are what brings its true value to writers, especially because no one process is the same. I began with a right click to add a “New Folder.” If I were in the manuscript adding a new chapter, I would use the “New Text” option, but folders were much more useful here. I labeled the folder “Series Bible.” I clicked into the folder and added seven more: Characters, World, Outlines, Dreams, Playlist, Query, Editing. I color-coded them, and got to work adding my necessary notes.

1.) Characters

This section is broken out into BOOK ONE & BOOK TWO, but each of those folders contains: Character Motivations, Present Characters, and Past Characters. And then for each character, both past and present I have a folder with their name. Inside those folders (which can be customized with either text or a photo on the index card, though I’ve chosen a character photo) there are: Profile, Motivations, and Inspiration. The first two of those were created with the “New Text” option, but I made Inspiration as a folder to add photos for things relevant to my characters, much like the Pinterest board I’ve already created for this series.

2.) World

This section is separated into: Places, Technology, Traditions, Timelines, Glossary, etc. Since this section does contain many secrets and spoilers, I won’t break down what is held inside each of these folders, but do know, they also have sections for notes and Inspiration to keep the world as clear as possible for when I go back into the manuscript.

3.) Outlines

Also broken out into BOOK ONE & BOOK TWO, I’ve split this into a sections with a Beat Sheet and Full Outline, both of which are new additions to my writing process. I normally work off of my index cards in the Scrivener “Binder” to guide my plotting, but thought it would be interesting to do more detailed work with the finished book to use as comparison once the edits are completed.

4.) Dreams

In a novel with the title DREAM CATCHERS, I’m sure this sections comes as no surprise. While Camryn’s dreams are woven throughout the narrative, it is much easier to look at their structure and pacing by having them all grouped together outside of the manuscript, which is why this folder was a necessary addition.

5.) Playlist

While this might be a new folder within the Series Bible, I have already created a playlist for each of my books and continue to keep them updated whenever I hear a song too perfect to forget. The difference between this and my Apple Music playlist, is that I’ve organized these by how they fall in the plot of the story and notated how they connect. In doing so, if I get stuck editing a scene, I can go and listen to that song once or twice or on an endless loop as I’ve done with Hozier’s “Talk.” This section, too, is broken out into BOOK ONE & BOOK TWO, and organizing the songs there gave me a few new ideas for the second book in this duology.

6.) Query

When I first started writing DREAM CATCHERS in Scrivener, there was no need for a query section. The goal back then was just to finish this book. But as the time approached to query, I knew I needed to stay organized. For any writer about to embark on the querying journey, I highly suggest researching agents first and foremost, and then find the best way to organize what you learn. Again, I’m sure many people would see this as overkill since I have used Query Tracker in the past and have a spreadsheet in place to track querying as well. But unlike both of those options, I’ve broken down each round of querying into a separate folder with my stats labeled on the index card (R&R, PR, FR, ER, CNR - all acronyms that will mean nothing to the non-querying writer). And within those Round 1-5 folders, I have another section for each agent as well as the query and synopsis sent at that time. For the agents, I have the date sent and the date of their response. Inside the folders, I have research and the communication sent back from the agents. Again, this might seem extreme, but I have found it a comfort in this often unsettling time within the query trenches.

6.) Editing

Since I’m only editing BOOK ONE at this point, that is the only folder I am using within this section. However, I have uploaded my spreadsheet and have a separate section for any notes that have come up while editing.

So that is how I’ve created my Series Bible. I think the best part about having all of my research at my fingertips is that I am making use of every extra hour I have to work on completing these edits. Scrivener allows for everything to be kept in one place without having to open multiple word documents. Everything is always where I need it to be.

Gente, dejo esta canción, una de mis tantas favoritas :) Lyrics: Slow down, you crazy child. You're so ambitious for a juvenile. But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid? Where's the fire? What's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out.

With everything organized and edits well under way, I am hoping to dive back into the query trenches by the end of this month. Until then, I’ll find the time to finish the work, even if it takes listening to “Vienna” on repeat to remember that there are really only so many hours in the day.

I’m going to make the most of mine, and I hope you’ll make the most of yours, too.

A Dream No One Can See

It’s become a tradition each year to choose a word that will carry me through 365 days. There has been CREATE, BELIEVE, BETTER, and last year, there was PERSEVERANCE. And persevere I did. Through 164 literary magazine submissions, 133 rejections (query trenches included) and 16 pieces accepted, including my debut collection of poetry, These Are the Women We Write About, I’d like to think my own perseverance got me where I needed to be!

But now it’s a new year, which means a new word. Getting here, I once again was a bit paralyzed with fear that I might choose the wrong word. I suppose it’s become another of those superstitious writerly things that I cling to as the days move along. It wasn’t until Christmas preparations took over that I found my word, one which stuck in my bones and felt too perfect to pass up. I ordered three necklaces and a bracelet from The Giving Keys, because I truly love how they strive to help homeless people in L.A., all the while, reminding us of the power of words, and the magic of passing them on to someone else. If you haven’t heard of this company or their mission, I suggest checking them out as they create beautiful products with special meanings.

Yet, I digress. Upon purchasing these items, I was eligible for a complimentary “classic” key necklace, which would come with a surprise word and color and design. When it arrived, it brought a certain sense of knowing that I didn’t know I needed. My key said DREAM, and I’m not sure it could’ve been more perfect. And now, I have my word.

Dream.

Writing a novel about a world in which dreaming always means death, I have come to understand just how powerful dreams can be. I often dream too big and have said on more than one occasion that my ambition and penchant for dreaming bigger and better will be the death of me. But as a writer, I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing.

As I edit DREAM CATCHERS once more before diving back into the query trenches next month, I cling to the dream of seeing this book published someday. And it’s difficult, I must admit, to be back in this story. I joked that I can’t wait for this book to be on someone else’s shelf someday just so I won’t have to read it anymore. Because it hurts to read sometimes. I’ve exposed too much of myself between those pages, and perhaps this is what will help future readers fall in love with my writing and this story. But for now, it terrifies me to find myself back in that time and place again.

Such is the life of the writer, I suppose. If the words don’t hurt, if what is being written doesn’t scare the writer a little, I’m not sure the story is worth telling. So I’ll tinker with this story once more before sending it out to the next 10 agents on my list. And when I say this will be the year I make this dream no one else can see into a reality, I feel the truth of the words ring through my bones in the way that some of my most authentic writing does.

I’ll keep focusing on this dream. Instead of simply listing my goals for 2019, I’ve separated these things into goals and aspirations; the things I can personally attain versus the things I so dream of coming true. I am taking better care of myself, how I judge my failures and accomplishments, because I have succeeded, even in small ways, and that is worth remembering. And for that I am so proud of myself. Already I’ve had 2 poems accepted for publication, and January hasn’t yet ended.

But as I continue to risk everything: sanity, time, sleep, future stories, etc. for this dream of publishing DREAM CATCHERS, I know it is worth everything in between. And with this knowledge, I will continue to dream too big all the year through, and I hope you will too! To stay up to date with this journey beyond this blog, check out #dreamlikekaylaking on Instagram and Twitter!

Take Your Time

After almost four years spent working on DREAM CATCHERS and two years since graduating with my MFA, the idea of "taking my time" might seem ridiculous. And I'll admit, there were times on this writing journey when those words seemed impossible because I'd already put in so much time. But alas, I think there must be some truth to the notion that goodness comes to those who wait. 

One part of this journey is at an end after years of searching and applying and bettering myself and my skills, because I've been offered my first "grown-up" job, and I'm thrilled! I can't wait to begin the next chapter of my career as a Reputation Management Specialist!

As I wait to begin my first full-time job, I'm left with a sense of knowing that DREAM CATCHERS is as done as it's going to be until I find representation. Though, this second part of my journey as a writer won't be complete until I see my novel published and displayed on bookstore shelves. Understanding this makes it easier to fathom finding balance between work and writing. And I can't wait to see my discipline, perseverance, and creativity kick in once I begin this next chapter of my professional life.

While I haven't found a literary agent yet, this particular goal for representation seemed so close. On May 14th, I began round three of querying. I started with four agents, just to get a feel for how the edits of my query letter were working. I hit send at 6:50 PM and by 10:31 PM, I had a response from an agent requesting the full manuscript! And I so hoped that this would be IT.

I imagined writing a post about "the call" and being "agented," but alas, two days later, that agent passed on the manuscript. Though he did say the writing was wonderful, he just didn't "fall in love," and for that reason, had to pass. But the rejection didn't sting as much as I thought. In fact, it was almost like it didn't happen. And I know there will be someone out there who loves this book and my writing just as much as I do. All in good time, I suppose.

After the rejection, I queried five more agents, and now I'm in that waiting place again. For the most part, my edits are done. And yes, there are outlines to be crafted for BOOK TWO, and there are character sketches to be written within the world of DREAM CATCHERS. Yet, I can't wait to dive back into my NaNoWriMo project from 2017. I have set myself the goal of finishing BOOK ONE in the Falling series by the end of the year. Though I have no way of knowing what it will be like balancing my new job with my writing, I've always believed in the power of setting goals, and more specifically, the power of perseverance. 

As I think back to the time it took to get me to this place professionally, I am reminded of the fellowship rejections, the unanswered applications, the reworking of one resume to another, and I know that working on myself in the process really was the greatest project of all.

And as I mull over this notion of taking my time, I am reminded of one of my favorite lines from The Last Five Years, which instructs: 

"Take a breath. Take a step. Take a chance. Take your time." 

Maybe in the end, all it takes is time to grow into the people we need to be to accomplish the goals and dreams we want most. Until then, here's to deep breaths and small steps, taking chances, and taking the time needed to find the goodness in life!

Nothing Lost

This past week has taken me back to the process of editing. All was going well. I finished part one of DREAM CATCHERS on Tuesday, moving into part two with hopes of completing the third and final part of the novel by Wednesday. Darlings were cut away to make this story even better before sending it back out into the query trenches. When the epiphanies struck Wednesday morning, I knew there would be much more work involved, but a better version of this story I so loved would emerge from the ashes. Like a phoenix. Like a flame. 

To those not accustomed to the process of writing and editing, this may seem extreme. And yes, chapters will be cut, others reshuffled, but I assure nothing of this story, nor my dream, will be lost. Often I think of myself formed in the lines of the following quote:

"SHE'S A DREAMER. A DOER. A THINKER. SHE SEES POSSIBILITY EVERYWHERE. " 

And I remember all the many people in my life who've made me into this dreamer now as I attempt to find publication for a book about dreams. I think back to the time in fourth grade when I almost quit chorus. It seems like a silly memory now, and amidst rejections and years spent writing my novel, this might seem like nonsensical nostalgia. What I extract from such a trip down memory lane is not the fact that I almost quit, but rather, the notion that one person had  complete belief in me, enough to convince me to continue. Mr. Elwyn Roll was my elementary school music teacher, the director of every musical I performed in from 3rd-12th grade, and later, my choral director in high school. Long after that moment, Mr. Roll convinced me time and again to never give up. To continue on. 

Last night, I embarked back on a journey to my high school with many more alum to celebrate the retirement of someone who has brightened the minds and hearts and voices of our community for almost forty years. We gathered with candles to join current students in singing "Light the Candles," a song which encompasses all of my childhood, and the hope to make real change beyond school days.

It was somewhat strange going back. There were faces I haven't seen in years, but the auditorium smelled just the same. And I realized how many things have changed since I graduated eight years ago, and how much remains the same. I knew all the words to the song, and the voices filled the room and reminded me how those walls had kept me safe in some of my toughest times. But what's more, the notion that one person could imbue so much love into the world by making us all believe we could create real change beyond that stage and the hallways and practice rooms.

There's a moment I recall now from my senior year where I sat writing a first person narrative about Oliver Twist because I had been cast in the lead role of "Oliver" (pictured above). It was in this moment that I thought, maybe, I could be a writer. And eight years later, I still have that piece of paper I was given to capture my character on the page.  I was taught from a young age to rise after falling. To be better. Dream bigger. And after all this time, I haven't given up the dream of this book. The edits are still underway. The novel is becoming better. I am better. 

While last night I traveled from real world nostalgia back into the fictional world I've created, I realized that growing up does not mean that nothing will be lost, because things change. But there is some comfort in knowing that the people we love best, the ones who inspire and light sparks within us to make us believe anything is possible, they never change. They are still there to make us remember to continue on. Keep editing. Send another query. Share your voice with the world. 

From the Person Who Wrote It

I recently had a conversation about the difference between author and narrator. As a writer of fiction and poetry, I know the readers of my work might confuse the narrators from my writing with me as the author.

This thought became most clear in writing the title poem of my collection: 

"And so it’s done; this endless, spirographic lie where they think you the narrator, instead of the ghost of a poet. Haunted by the writing. Emptied by this poem. An echo. Yes, an echo."

So yes, this notion is one that has been on the brain lately, especially as I dive back into edits for DREAM CATCHERS. My goal for the end of the week is to make it through the first five chapters, and I'm right on track. And through this process, I'm reminded that while I'm not my main character, I've found myself while writing her story. There are times when a certain line or scene resonates, and it feels like home. 

This may sound strange. How can writing feel like home? At least for myself, home has always felt like understanding. And when I feel understood on the page, I imagine a reader might feel the same way. Somehow this makes it easier to fathom the fact that I might be confused with fictional people, even if they feel real. Because yes, they are flawed and messy and kind and honest; everything I know myself to be now. 

As I make my way back through DREAM CATCHERS, there are certain scenes that stop me in my tracks because they feel too real. And while I am not my main character, nor the other characters on the page, I understand their belief. I believe this book will be published, and I'm just as much of a dreamer as my favorite characters. Maybe they get that from me, or maybe I get that from them; I'm not so sure I could argue against either possibility. But they do make me believe this dream of writing is possible. 

I won't spend too much more time trying to prove the difference between narrator and author. And to be honest, there's a line in one of my favorite Plath poems, "Electra on Azalea Path," which makes me think she must be the narrator, that Sylvia herself must have had some vision of the future and relayed such divinity on the page for all to read: 

"I am the ghost of an infamous suicide."

But I know thinking this is Sylvia is not entirely fair. Yet, people are more than one thing, and by default, that must mean characters are more than their authors. They must be inspired by life and past loves, best friends and maybe that stranger seen every day at the red light.

Maybe we're all a little bit of the people we love best. 

I suppose this idea comes from the very real fear of confronting vulnerability and judgement once this book finds its way into the hands of readers. But such is life, and I'm used to such feelings. So for now, I will make my way back to the page to find myself, both the person who writes and the person now written therein. 

Exploring the Exceptional

This week, I've once again started editing DREAM CATCHERS. I printed the in-text notes from my wonderful critique partner, formulated a revision plan, met with a beta reader, and organized everything into a new binder to make this arduous process that much easier. After almost four years, I keep thinking this book might be "finished," but now is not that time. And that's okay. 

If the years spent in the MFA with this novel taught me anything, it's that it takes time to develop the best of stories. And this one still needs a little more time to be the best it can possibly be before I begin my third round of querying. Though I have a few things now that I didn't have eight months ago when I entered into the query trenches. 

When I started querying, there was a sense of fear for the unknown, but now that I've been through the query letters, crafting the synopsis, researching agents, hitting send, and waiting, always the waiting, I know this process is manageable. And along the way, I received a Twitter pitch request, a partial manuscript request, and even a full manuscript request from a potential agent. I've submitted to 25 agents and so far all have passed, but I know there will be someone who will love this story. 

This knowing is even more clear after receiving all of the feedback from my amazing critique partner and my first beta reader. My CP has gone above and beyond in not only supporting me, but my vision for this book. So many of her suggestions have found their way into my revision plan. She also made me two more beautiful graphics to showcase my story and my words! 

Both images now adorn the front and back cover of my editing binder as reminders that someday my world might exist in other readers' minds. It's a wonderful feeling to have after living with this world on my own. The first beta reader to finish reading the book in full has been someone who's traveled along my writing journey for eight years now. My National Honor Society advisor from high school is someone who continues to support my writing. She helped me figure out how to best pursue my passion for writing, she read my poetry sample before I submitted my application to the writing program at Buffalo State College, she read more poetry, my first book, my first poetry collection, and now, DREAM CATCHERS. 

On Monday, I met with her, and we immediately launched into the main plot and subplots of my book. We discussed dreams and scenes and characters. She gave me more feedback, which I've incorporated into my revision plan. But the most amazing and peculiar moments from this meeting happened when she stopped to read her favorite scenes from my book. This was the first time I'd ever heard someone read the words I'd written. And in her reading, I understood those paragraphs must've resonated with her enough to prompt such a thing, and it helped remind me why this book will be important to the world someday. She reminded me why this book is important. 

After the hard work was done we talked about life and literature, my writing, this blog, and this website. And she showed me a note I'd written on a guest check slip from the restaurant with my website address. And she told me it remained on her fridge with a magnet that reminded her of me because of the quote: 

"She was perfectly comfortable being exceptional." 

This was enough to make me realize the person I've become; the person she's watched grow from a bookish high school student to the writer I am today. Knowing she thinks me to be exceptional helped me remember what I've done in writing this book, in setting myself up for rejection after rejection, in not quitting, but continuing to persevere: I suppose I am exceptional. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about finding my way back to believing again. Through meeting with this mentor and friend, through the friendship and support of my critique partner, and remembering my kingdom of those who've never stopped believing in me, I once again believe. That doesn't make the query trenches any less difficult, nor these edits any less extensive than I already knew they would need to be. This certainly doesn't make me any more exceptional than the dreamer I've always known I needed to be, but rather, reminds me I have everything I need to make this dream a reality. 

The Time To Choose Yourself

I knew today would be the perfect time to celebrate love. Love for my book. Love for my writing. Love for my critique partner. Love for myself. Love is love is love is love is love... And I started thinking that today might be the perfect time to choose to focus on myself, to celebrate love for the person I've become. 

Now this post isn't meant to be a diatribe denouncing the traditions of Valentine's Day. But rather, an advocation to show love for my writing journey. 

If you've been following along with this journey, you might remember the best friend/editor, my kingdom of people who've supported the book and the writing and most important, me. Some of those people have even been given the printed proof copy of Dream Catchers to BETA read, and I am so thankful to those people. But recently, I learned the benefits of finding a critique partner.

Somehow, I ended up with an amazing new writer friend and spirit animal on my first attempt at reaching out. I know this is rare, and I'm grateful for finding this person. And after reading several other potential CP pages, I know how rare it is to click with someone over writing styles and editing styles and overall personality. But, I digress. 

You might be wondering what a CP (critique partner) does/who they are. What makes them different from a BETA reader? 

A critique partner reads your work and offers feedback, most notable, objective feedback on the story presented. With the exception of the best friend, my early readers have gone into my book just like that, as readers. A critique partner goes into the work as a writer and has the ability to advise on everything from language, pace, world building, characters, and everything in between. And my critique partner has done just that. 

So where did I find this glorious human? 

Quite simply, I searched 'how to find a critique partner' on Google. And from there, I found THIS Google Forum, and offered my pitch under the YA Fantasy and Sci-Fi request. And I found my person! I also searched #critiquepartners on Twitter and found another match-up listing HERE! And while I am so grateful for the other pages I had the opportunity to read, I didn't feel the connection to move forward with those writers.

Now maybe for me the situation is somewhat different, because I have a community of writers I met in graduate school. I have avid readers in my life who've eagerly waited to devour my book. I have the best friend, and my other friends, and they have been my resource. But I do think there is something about an objective reader, which works to the benefit of the writing process. And I have already seen the benefit of this in my writing. There are lessons I've learned in giving my CP feedback, and validation I feel from her comments. This, I know, is something worth celebrating. 

My CP has created a brilliant world filled with heartbreak and adventure and I can't wait to finish her fantastic story from a train departing to NYC this weekend. And I cannot wait for her to finish my book as well. Her honesty, keen eye for typos, and enthusiastic spirit is something my book so needed from the overwhelming place of the query trenches. And she's also a badass when it comes to creating design aesthetics inspired by my writing. 

Like these beautiful works of art!

It's refreshing to have someone as obsessed with bees and dreams as I have been for the past four years. We both believe this will be a lifelong friendship and working relationship and it's crazy, yes, but in this community, I think this kind of mutual respect and excitement is amazing to find. I can't wait to celebrate our future book deals together, because we both BELIEVE it will happen. And we can't wait to share our next WIPs to keep the flow of the writing and the support between us. 

Today, of all days, I am choosing to celebrate the wonderful places and people my writing have introduced me to along the way. And I'm following the advice of r.h. sin today, too: 

"Marry your goals. Remain committed to success. Be loyal to your dreams. It's okay to choose yourself."

I love my goals. I'm committed to finding success for my book, and I've remained loyal in trying to make that dream a reality. And most of all, I choose myself. 

But I know none of this would be possible without the support of my people, and I am so happy to have added one more person to this group! 

So today, of all days, I hope you appreciate and celebrate the love, which helps you persevere in this crazy journey we call life.